One's life, each stage has things to do and distances that can be calculated.
What was unseen in the dating stage will appear in the first three years of marriage
It's not "He doesn't love me," but "We haven't learned how to live together under the same roof for a long time."
Verification Signals (count more than two to be considered):
· Conflict ≥ 3 times a week
· Serious imbalance in household and child care division
· Relationship significantly declines after having a child
Relationship is also an asset
The assets that marriage needs to establish in this stage are three sets of mechanisms:
① Conflict Mechanism — How to argue, how to make up, when to pause
② Division of Labor Mechanism — Who manages household chores, child care, and money
③ Connection Mechanism — Fixed communication time every day/week
Without mechanisms, it relies on emotions; when emotions are used up, the relationship is empty. A good marriage is not not arguing, but being able to come back after arguing.
Relationship is stable
Someone to share with
Can still talk like before
Definition
Frequency of conflict per week · Ratio of household and child care division · Daily conversation duration
How to Calculate
Record for a week: how many times to argue, who does what, how long to chat
Healthy Range
Conflict ≤ 1 time/week · Division of labor is roughly balanced · Conversation ≥ 20 minutes/day
Expecting "He will understand" — He won't understand if you don't say it
Household chores aredone by the wife by default — Imbalance will accumulate into resentment
Only talk about children after having a child — Spousal relationship is pushed aside
Arguing and bringing up old accounts — The more you argue, the farther apart you get
Use cold war to punish the other party — Cold war is the most damaging way to a relationship
Establish conflict rules: Don't bring up old accounts, don't attack personally, pause after 30 minutes
Make a list of household chores and child care, and clarify division of labor
Leave 20 minutes every day to talk about each other (not about children and work)
Clarify the way to manage money in advance
After having a child, leave one time a week for the two of you